I take my hat off to you, Josh Susie

Librarian: "Was it you before...with the big banana?"

I'm figuring a riot, at least...

Text from Zac: Guess we'll see what happens when someone breaks dresscode

Yes, the credit reads "written by"

Text Message From Brittany: Hey Jessica. Is your name under the internet?

So there's that.

If it works, that's great. If it doesn't, at least you know you're doing something James Joyce did.

-Allan Estrin

I guess they're "out" this season...

Gabriela: Can't a girl find a cocksock in Hollywood anymore??

Burn!

AFI Guy 1: Why are you guys talking about baseball? who cares?
AFI Guy 2: How would you know, you don't even have a team, Montana!!

Only two a day counts as quitting, right?

Hipster Guy: I must really like her if I quit drinking at work, you know?

Was it the pulled hair or squiggley lines that gave it away?

Waiter: Good morning, how are you?
Flustered Woman: I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Waiter: Oh, I can tell.

Well, a successful one at least...

Teacher: You want to know what professional screenwriting is like? I've been audited three times by the IRS because my profile matches that of a drug dealer.

They Shall remain nameless, cause otherwise they'd kill me

Me: Is it plausible that he'd start masturbating again right after finishing.

(simultaneously)
Guy #1: No, he'd need a minute
Guy #2: Yeah, he'd be fine.

(Guy #1 and Guy #2 look at each other, shocked)

That would complicate my entire life

Jessica: I found a roach in my room so big i HEARD it walking before I saw it

Brendan: was it singing "blue moooon! you saw me standing alooooone! ...."?

Jessica: what??

Brendan: Because that sort of attitude from a giant cockroach would complicate matters. i think. How can you kill something that sings like mel torme?

I would Imagine...

Ozzy: I dated a girl from Houston once.
Me: How'd that go?
Ozzy: She was VERY complicated

And THIS would be why I date him:

Zac: Abscond is a great word.
Me: Use it in a sentence.

(Long Text Message Pause)

Zac: The bastert tried to abscond with my snack.

A sad comment on the maturity level of grad students...

"Packing our own lunches could get weird- kids will be stealing eachother's Yoohoos."

-James

Even my Spanish is this good...

Ozzy: Buena Vista. Do you guys know why this street is called that?

John: Because the view is good?

Ozzy: Oh, you actually know what that means?

Harder, Flipper, harder

I would let a dolphin fuck me.

-Robert

This must have incurred bad karma

Ohhh, they have a swing in their yard. FUCK those people!!

No, folks, she didn't mean it this way...

(Reading an actor's resume)

Yoga? That's perfect. He can get in that squat position and just go for hours!"

-Lauren

Ah, Grammatical Self-Awareness

(Regarding Italy being on the ocean):

They have water, but not in where I was. Did you like the grammar on that one?

-Lauren

Going In the Out Door

Fuck Ikea. I don't need to live by their rules.

-Zac

I think Plato said it first

As the Ancient Greeks said, comedy is purging the human soul of the emotion called "whoop-de-doo."

-Dad

That's What I've Always Said...

Extreme caution should be taken regarding the existence of snakes

-AFI Safety Handbook

And if your hands were made of metal, that would mean something...

You have a unique magnetic personality

-my fortune cookie

I think we'd need the PETA waiver for this...

I would juggle bunnies. I would TOTALLY do that.

-John